I had to delete my other journal for my own sanity. Not that I have a whole lot left anyway. I really don't know where I am in my life, or what I even want anymore. Ever since Alex and I have both terrorized each other and exchanged malicious thoughts and rants to each other, I haven't been able to be myself. I feel like such a different person. I don't want to say new, cause I associate new with positive things. I'm just different. Things just pile up one on top of the other. There's always something different going on. Lately I started smoking again. About 2 packs a day. I never eat on time, or enough, I haven't been able to sleep for a week now. I don't know if I'm deliberately doing that or its the anemia kicking in. I've been drinking very heavily, I'm always on my toes. I started smoking weed again, and I'm thinking about what other drugs can do to me. I've been contemplating if I should get some adderall to help me focus with school. At least I still have that. My family has been there for me, I really appreciate that, but I've been feeling that I don't need their support, which then I feel shitty about. At the midst of all this I still have my two smashing pumpkins tickets I bought for me and Alex. But now that he's out of the picture, I don't even want to go anymore. It's so so shitty. so shitty. so shitty.