lizett_ducut

i deleted my other journal.

2007-08-06T06:07:41Z

I had to delete my other journal for my own sanity. Not that I have a whole lot left anyway. I really don't know where I am in my life, or what I even want anymore. Ever since Alex and I have both terrorized each other and exchanged malicious thoughts and rants to each other, I haven't been able to be myself. I feel like such a different person. I don't want to say new, cause I associate new with positive things. I'm just different. Things just pile up one on top of the other. There's always something different going on. Lately I started smoking again. About 2 packs a day. I never eat on time, or enough, I haven't been able to sleep for a week now. I don't know if I'm deliberately doing that or its the anemia kicking in. I've been drinking very heavily, I'm always on my toes. I started smoking weed again, and I'm thinking about what other drugs can do to me. I've been contemplating if I should get some adderall to help me focus with school. At least I still have that. My family has been there for me, I really appreciate that, but I've been feeling that I don't need their support, which then I feel shitty about. At the midst of all this I still have my two smashing pumpkins tickets I bought for me and Alex. But now that he's out of the picture, I don't even want to go anymore. It's so so shitty. so shitty. so shitty.

++++

2007-03-27T22:06:53Z

MY boyfriend is so amazing.

he's my best friend, my lover, and everything else in between.

I'm planning on a good little vacation for our birthdays, maybe Cabo. Hopefully he's in town and not touring.

I'm doing well in my classes, considering I was shitting my pants for Anatomy. But, I've been studying, and doing more than great. Met some really cool people.

I miss Sean!! I miss getting into trouble and spending money with him.

Spring Break!! Too fucking bad it's in like what 2-3 weeks? Any El Camino people wanna hang? COnsidering we'd be the only ones on Spring Break. !?

love,lizett joy ducut

2007-03-26T08:14:35Z

As I lay here on my bed, life flashes itself before me. A life uncertain if it has lived itself to its great potential, or if it just kind of went along. "You really know what you had when you've lost it" is the saying. But I don't believe that. I've known for a very long time what I have. I've known it, I've embraced it, I've cherished it. I know how hard it is,was and will be. I knew what I have. It's hard to sleep for me these couple of days, and I really could use the z's in my case. Nothing amounts to now. Nothing ever. They say when you leave this world, they'll judge you by all the good things you've done. But I don't believe that either. They'll judge you by the moments when you were weak, vulnerable, lusting, and malicious. This cold world, this materialistic world will judge you by that. They'll judge you by how many times you say the "f" word, they'll judge you by what you fucked up on, or who you fucked up on. They'll judge you until they've soiled your name. But God, he's not them, he's not cold. He'll judge you by how you stuck it out, how much love you give, how you tried, how much you cried for the sake of another, how you opened yourself to others,that's what God will judge you on. So why they? What's so important about they? Love. It is the greatest balance of all. I do however, believe that. Love is powerful. It can bring the strongest to its knees. life is not perfect. I am not perfect.

No matter what happens, I loved with every inch in my body, I hoped with all the faith in the world, and i endured the mis haps along the way,never forgetting that the reason I smile and laugh was because of what/who/m I love.

"Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and edures all things".....

mayo

2007-03-15T06:15:39Z

Last week in front of 300 people, the only words that came out of my mouth were, "I'm fabulous". That was it. It was amazing.

I got my picture taken from the people at paper magazine. Pretty cool I guess.

I got a nordies credit card! I'm going to get those Tom Ford glasses in forest green.

My boyfriend is finally home. Oh I've missed him sooooo much. I love him ohh soo much.. He's the best thing ever...

Is anyone in search of a roommate? I got a 4 bedroom condo/apartment in torrance (anza ave) 2400 a month. So far my male cousin and my friend tina are in, including I, so if anyones interested. Your share would be 600 a month, plus 20-30 for utilities..don't worry about starving, we have cooks.

beauty

2007-03-03T06:01:41Z

It looks like I'm going to Europe this summer. Not only that, I'm going to see my favorite band of all time. If the plans go through. I hope the plans go through.

I've changed more these few weeks than I have in months. And that's not an understatement.

poem writing.

2007-03-01T03:33:33Z

God, how I love reading and writing. It's too bad nursing has nothing to do whatsoever with that.

You can feel everything and nothing all in one day. Who knew?

I've been neglecting my journal, there really is just no more urge like before.

My first anatomy test was today, and it was hard.

I have a math Test tomorrow, I'm not too worried about it.

My niece realized her own voice. She'll scream really loud, and it looks like she's thinking about something, then she'll scream again, then laugh. It's really, really cute.

This entry is lifeless, no doubt. But yet, I have this urge to yell at the top of my lungs about things that make sense, or doesn't.

I had viral pneumonia. I'm better now.

pride is not a sin.

2007-02-22T03:07:36Z

I'm not going to let people walk all over me.
I'm not going to let people walk all over me.
I'm not going to let people walk all over me.
I'm not going to let people walk all over me.
I'm not going to let people walk all over me.
I will not settle to stand aside and be quiet about shit i can be mad,sad, angry about. If someone needs to say I'm sorry to me, then they WILL say sorry to me, I will be damned if they didn't. Whoever said being prideful was wrong, then a big fuck you to you pal, because I will not be walked all over on and I will not be treated like I am some kind of down graded person.I guess you've never met someone who has integrity, who is proud of herself, and who isn't afraid to hurt anyone's feelings if it meant exposing truths. It's not a waste of time trying to gain repect, it's not a waste of time to believe in yourself and what you think is right, and it sure is not a waste of time to take a stand and own up to the people who try to bring you down. It's called CLASS.

I am not sorry for anything I have said.I sure as hell am not sorry for how Alex and I have turned out, how we met, when we met, or why we met, it's the best thing that has ever happened to me, and if it was the worst for whoever else, well shit, ce'st la vie.

If you've never met a strong-willed individual, and if I come across as a bitch, well I am the baddest Bitch you will ever meet.

I'M CLASSY, SASSY, FABULOUS AND EVERYTHING YOU ASPIRE TO BE.

i hop into my...

2007-02-10T07:39:03Z

isn't that so sweet? the song is so innocent and happy. Speaking of happy, I miss my boyfriend so much. I am going crazy for the lack of hang out, talking, and sex making. We can't spend Valentines day together. Oh well, we're going to make up for the loss time when he gets back.

The New Smashing Pumpkins album is called Zeitgeist. Out on July 7, 2007. 7/7/07. it sounds cheesy, but that's how they roll.

I swear I had more to say on this, Oh I'm getting my own apartment in the next few weeks. Ikea here I come! I was thinking painting the walls shades of blue and gray, or maybe just black, and have white antique looking furniture, I'm keeping it classy San Diego.

School starts on Monday. Fuck. Time to focus and so long waking up at 9 am!

smashing pumpkins!

2007-01-28T17:34:42Z

has anyone heard the good news? THE SMASHING PUMPKINS played a show last night in Germany at a festival! So which means the album will be coming out soon and with a new album, there must be a tour, and how can they not stop in California!!

So as I write this, ahem Jade, and whoever else has good taste in music, lets go!!! I am so psyched for this!!!!!! I also think I am going to lose the bet with Alex because I highly doubt James Iha will not be playing for the Pumpkins. Shit. New Guitar for Alex!

aside the Pumpkins from reuniting, here are some other bands that are planning to reunite:

Metallica recording a new album

The Police

Eddie Van Halen

Guess they're running out of money.

SO this begins my whole month and a half to myself. Alex left for tour on Saturday. So it goes from hanging out everyday twice a day to not seeing him for a month and a half give or take a few days. This is going to be a big test and challenge for the both of us, but nothing we can't handle. I'm going to do my best to make the most out of all of it, and try not to give him a hard time, because I know how hard it can be when youre so far from home. The guys are doing big things now. Everyone go get their cd, and make my bf rich please.

Alex- I hope you are safe and youre eating healthy and taking care of yourself and the rest of the guys. Make the most of your trip and I can't wait to see you. We've come a long way: From everything with different situations, the yelling, the arguing,and everything in between, we're growing up slowly but surely. I'd have it no other way. I'm content and way happy with everything in my life. I love you!

lizett_ducut @ 2007-01-06T18:14:00

2007-01-07T02:27:46Z

im bored.

Just fucking around with my camera around the house in arizona.

.............................whooo....

DO YOU LIKE NACHOS? YES MR. FORD!

2006-12-29T22:53:08Z

these lyrics always get to me. It relates to me in so many ways, except the parts about the coke addiction and the prostitution.

now she season me and don't need rehearsin
her skin get a beatin life is uncertained
ego need feedin now the wants worsen
beneath the demons she's a warm person
when she's not fiendin, swearin and cursing
behind the curtain she's really hurtin
and she without sin will spark the first stone
the feelin kicks in she's in the dark zone
old friends walk pass goin bout their own
as if she is someone that they don't know
then the king of kings lift her off the floor
saying life is a thing when you learn you grow
she rise and she fall like a star
her life write off like a car
her face full of all kind of scar
always with fist start a war
she can't keep herself up to par
she plays like a broken guitar

ive known my boyfriend for two years now, and still no new years together. isnt that a bitch? whatever. im just going to do what i did last year and the year before that, sleep haha.

It's 10:30 am in Arizona, but 9:30 am in California. I still havent got a minute of sleep ever since I got in the car. I think I have insomnia. This will be good so I can sleep like a baby on Sunday night. Or is it? The new years is approaching, and tradition has it that I tell you, my friends, some strangers, and some who are just out to get me what I have learned, accomplished, and any regrets I may have had in 2006. Let me start off by saying that 2006 was eventful, yet boring at times. It was a great year, but the worse at the same time. It was fruitful, but not prosperous all at the same time. I guess you can call that balance, which makes 2006 a good year none the less. Oh I went to President Gerald Ford's viewing at St. Margaret's Church in Palm Desert last night. It was sad yet so inspiring at the same time.I met his immediate family. I shook his wifes hands, and she told me "thank you for coming", I told her my prayers were with her, and she smiled and replied, "life is beautiful. cherish it". For some reason, I was so struck. He was on the Simpsons you know. When George Bush Senior moves in across the street from the Simpsons, and Bart destroys his memoirs, and gives him a spanking, and Homer retaliates by making horrible replicas of his sons with cardboard, and super glued a clown wig on George Bush Sr, etc. etc.. Then they move out, and Gerald Ford moves in, who by the way looks like Homer. He asks Homer if he likes Nachos, and football, and then they trip. Wow that was a rant. I just love the Simpsons. Anyway, back to the viewing, it was surreal almost. Ok Back to my recap of my 2006. Well to start things off, school is school. I hate it, but I love it. I'm almost done with my prereqs, ive been getting good grades and what not. My family is still my family: dysfunctional and the best family ever all at once. We had two new additions to our clan: first my sister gave birth to my niece, Allysa Irene Ducut Castro, and my aunt gave birth to my cousin: Dylan Conrad Balagtas this morning at 4:53. It's been tough as always with my family, but ehh, what are you going to do? Let's see, what else...Oh I still don't party and go to clubs and hang out with a huge amount of people. I quit smoking. It's the longest I've ever done! Hooray! I stopped drinking, probably because I stopped partying. I lost 4 pounds, probably due to malnutrition on my behalf of course. I drink Starbucks now more than ever. I finally went to Disneyland with alex. A feat in itself. ha.it was magical. I established credit! go me! Oh, I probably lost a good friend due to my stupidity, and she probably hates me, and I don't blame her. I think more people now think I am a bitch, but whatever. i havent had myspace for a year! go me!. I learned how to cook. I haven't lost my cell phone yet. whoo! Let's see what else....oh yeah, my favorite part writing is my relationship with my boyfriend. I'm pretty sure our relationship isn't the greatest, and we're not the greatest looking people around but I've enjoyed his company and our memories in 2006. I think problems we have faced is worse than a rollercoaster. It's probably like falling at the Grand Canyon, or diving off of Niagra Falls. The highs are really high, and the lows are really low. high and low, up and down. i guess it balances out.I guess there's so much at stake. I don't know. I get so flustered with happiness when I think about our relationship. I guess Im too caught up in it and I need to relax. weve gone through a lot. I love him with all my heart,and I hope nothing is going to change.thats probably the greatest thing I can do for anyone, is to love them regardless.

My new years resolution: just to be a better person for myself, alex, and my family. To be able to finally feel the confidence I am lacking and get rid of the the so called confidence i flaunt to other people. Who would have thought I'd be such a case?

lizett_ducut @ 2006-12-21T21:14:00

2006-12-22T05:32:57Z

So I feel like fucking total shit. Bad PMS as it may be, or not, I'm furiated for reasons I don't know. This happens to me quite a few times during a year. Fucking Bah Humbig. Scrooge or whatever, fuck Christmas, fuck New Years, fuck these next few weeks. I'm going to fucking find a mother fucking job and pay my mom off. I love the woman to death and all, but jesus fucking christ, get off my case, please.Ugh, I know I will sound so stupid later when I read this, but whatever, I'm going to let out some steam.

Fuck the Internet, especially Myspace. Myspace is going to be the killer of physical contact, and communication altogether. fuck myspace, its too mother fucking overrated. fuck myspace, it fucks up people's relationships, people themselves. whatever to myspace. it's a fucking guilty pleasure.
fuck people who have no lives and steal, who fuck around on the internet, sending me useless shit i would rather not see, all so they can get their shits and giggles. fuck them and fuck who they are and what they stand for. your mother fucking tar underneath my shoe. fuck being bored cause it makes life so mother fucking useless, fuck people who are all for show, go ahead and buy the world.

. a new year. god can only hope its good. whatevz

ugh

2006-12-22T01:24:52Z

My body is on overload right now, and I need to unwind.

biggest fight with my mom today. shit sucked so much. ++++ so i owe her like a lot of money. whatever.

shit piles one after the other. happy holidays. it does not feel like christmas nor am i in the season for anything.

ugggggghh

1st.

2006-12-21T23:09:10Z

As you may know, I deleted my other journal derided_. I'll post in a few: minutes, or hours.